What was I supposed to learn today? What was the point of today’s race to pack bags and start our trek across Florida? Did you want to see how fast I could gather my belongings? Did you want to see how fast mom could walk up a flight of stairs to tell me Tampa General Hospital Transplant Unit was calling for me? Did you want to see me cry for the 40 -year- old man who died way too soon? Were you testing my theory that all good things in my life eventually shatter? Well, for the record, I really like this guy I am seeing, so unless you are giving me your blessing, please leave that relationship alone.
I am trying so hard not to lose my faith in you but you are making it very difficult. Remember about 20 years ago when I was married to that abusive man and I go t really sick? Even back then I asked you what I was supposed to learn from what I was going through. OK, OK…you are right…I learned what that lesson was about, and I spent years of my life working with children who suffered from anxiety and did my best to help them through it.
I have tried so hard to be a good person and do the right thing. I know I curse a lot and I would apologize for that but I feel that I use it with justification. Do I not pray enough? Should I call Rabbi Amy more often? What is it that you want me to do? I live my life with such anxiety that I struggled to enjoy the life you gave me.
So, a few hours have passed and I am revisiting this letter. I am not deleting the previous comments because they are real, raw feelings. But I have had time to think and I have had a lot of people reach out to me. If there is one thing I know for sure, I am definitely loved here on earth. The messages of love, hope and encouragement are what keep me going. Kiley keeps me going. Thank you for her!!
God, I want so badly to believe in you! So, I am going to go to sleep tonight next to my niece knowing that someone out there received a kidney today! And like my friend Lisa said, that person needed it more than me and my time will come.