(This entry is a long one but Mom deserves it)
I woke up this morning feeling very emotional. I am not too surprised, I am always emotional these days. Today was different though, my emotions were about my mom. Today is her birthday and so I thought I would dedicate this entry to her.
Growing up I was a pretty quiet child. I didn’t cause too many issues. I didn’t get in trouble in school, I had good friends and tried to make my parents proud. I grew up in a loving home and my house was the hang-out house. My friends were always over and many times you would catch them sitting around the kitchen table talking with my mom.
So, as I sit here and rehash my past in my mind all I can think of are the times when my mom was there for me… Marriages, Divorces (yes plural), packing and moving more times then I care to discuss.
After my first divorce, I moved in with my parents. I drove down to their house one day and literally could not step foot out of their house for weeks. I was experiencing my first bout of anxiety and none of us knew how to handle it. I could not eat, I physically could not put a grain of rice in my mouth. I remember Dr. Bernstein calling and threatening to put me in the hospital. I would try to drink an Ensure a day and even that was impossible. I barely showered and my clothes began to fall off. I was afraid of sleeping. My mom would stay up with me until all hours of the night. I would start to fade on the couch and she would tell me to go to sleep but when I would tell her I was awake she would continue to sit with me. I was so afraid of everything and she was always there. I would finally go to my room and sleep with the light on. I would wake up in the morning dry heaving and she would wake up and start her day just being there for me.
Those months were the scariest of my life. I lost who I was and did not know how to find my way back. I don’t think I did for many, many years.
And so began my journey with kidney disease. Mom was at every doctor appointment, every test, sitting and waiting for results with me. You name it, she was there.
I remember certain conversations like they were yesterday. The realization that I would never have the opportunity to have my own children was probably the hardest pill to swallow. I remember walking outside of Congregation Beth Am with her and my niece, Kiley, who was a baby and we had been trying to get her to sleep. I think that was the first time I actually had clarity about God’s plan. I was not well enough to raise my own children. It wouldn’t be fair to me or to them. It suddenly became clear and I was okay with that. Mom just listened, as she continues to do so well. There was nothing she could say to make me feel better and she knew that. All I needed was her presence.
When I had my transplant in August of 2013 mom basically moved into my townhouse with me. I was living in Wesley Chapel at the time so yes, she picked up her entire life and moved across the state for me. She helped me through my surgery and was there as I tried to rebuild my life after another failed marriage.
Fast forward to recent years. I have been back and forth between Lake Worth and Tampa trying to figure out where I belong. I am still not sure, but now I reside on the East Coast of Florida. I do not plan on moving far anytime soon. There is something to be said about being home. Mom continues to go to every single appointment with me. She is at very surgery, every procedure and is constantly rallying behind me. I know that I do not always say it or show it but I am blessed!!
My mother has listened to me talk about school, students, parents, men, dates, doctors, procedures…
God knows we don’t always agree but man, does that women have my back.